Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Bow Down before iGod - The God of Technology

How heavily we do we rely on technology?

People always ask this question and everyone shakes their heads, waves their ipods and blackberries in the air and says "A whole lot". But, do we really appreciate the extent to which our lives are tech dependent?

Well last night about midnight, I got my techno-nightmare wake up call. For no reason that I can figure out my computer decided to eat itself. Yep, one minute I was sitting there reading an on line forum, next minute, not a damn thing, My computer had reset itself to the day I bought it in 2002. Every file was gone and my email was not set up. Now contrary to popular belief, I am not terribly skilled when it comes to doing things on a computer other than writing. So needless to say, I pretty much shit myself.

Doing what I do, means that at any given time there are a number of scripts in assorted states of completion as well as project budgets, contact lists and other assorted bits of information that being a filmmaker requires I have at my finger tips. It was all gone and from where I was sitting, it was never coming back.

At the behest of my wife who is a computer programmer, I did back up all of my work files onto disks at the end of January. However the most recent work I did this past weekend (the re-write on our current project) was gone with the wind as it were.

So after not sleeping a whole hell of a lot last night I got in touch with my partner “P” who is a computer guy (more importantly a Mac guy) and together with his buddy who is a Mac specialist, we managed to find the files my computer choose to move somewhere else and avoid the aneurism that was fast approaching. So now I have backed up EVERYTHING on to seperate discs.

I believe this was the warning shot across the bow telling me my overworked and abused iBook is not long for this world. Next time it gets personal . So I am planning on purchasing a new PowerBook in the next day or so.

This whole thing got me thinking. Before our lives were tied to computers and electronics by this all powerful wireless umbilical cord what did we do? Well I have a vague recollection of carrying a notebook with me everywhere. Dating and writing things down that I might need to know later and then storing away those notebooks when they got full. Of course the danger there was that if you lost the notebook all that info was gone. That is what made the computer so appealing. All that info was always in the computer. UNLESS IT GOES AWAY ….

I don’t know if I have a point. I do know that I am going to spend more time backing up my electronic life from now on.

Maybe even buy a new notebook …
A spiral bound one.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

My Turn To Piss Off a Bunch of People

Let the ranting begin....

How right is right?
I’m not talking about right leaning politics, though they are the main point here. No, what I am talking about here are people (left, right, religious, agnostic, aetheist) who are so sure they are right that they are incapable of seeing any other point of view but there own. So for the moment, let us replace the word “right” with the more appropriate word “Correct”. Right implies that you alone are right and it is your “right’ to inflict your rightness on other people. WRONG!

Well let me tell you something folks. NOBODY IS EVER THAT RIGHT.

As someone who considers himself correct most of the time, it takes a lot for me to admit this.

I have avoided commenting on the current unpleasantness in the news regarding Mrs. Schiavo. This is because my opinion means nothing. NEITHER DOES YOURS (unless you are Michael Schiavo and are reading this in your spare time).

However, there are people out there who are so sure what is right for this unfortunate couple that they are willing to break constitutional law to implement their views. What’s more is they often invoke God just to prove how “CORRECT” they really are.

God said so.

Really?

Well he didn’t mention it to me.

This past week we also had the unbelievably pathetic diagnosis of this poor woman by a Senator/Doctor who is so very talented (Probably touched by the hand of God himself) that he was able to contradict the countless diagnosis’ made by actual neurologists who were in the same room as the patient at the time. How “CORRECT” do you think this guy thinks he is.

Admittedly I believe that the "political right" and "religious right" tend to believe they are more right than most, because God said so. President Bush made a special trip back to DC to poke his big old cowboy nose in the Schiavo matter. Clearly he was very concerned that to let this political opportunity go by would not be what the Lord would want, Clearly his priorities are in the right place. Along with his brother Jeb, they know what’s best. Or do they? What the heck is Jeb doing down there?

A little girl in Florida (Jeb Bush Land) was taken from her home, raped and killed by a low life scum bag sex offender out on parole from a previous sex offense. Why was the breathing pile of shit out of jail. Why wasn’t he castrated the first time he did the same crime. Why was this waste of human excrement out on the street? There is no valid reason you can give me that can answer that question. This sub human should have been put to death before he hit a jail cell. We are so worried about the rights of criminals well you know what? They are in jail because they are criminals. It’s not a hotel, it’s not a gym and it’s not a finishing school to become better criminals. (Well actually in some cases it is). Keep these fuckers in prison for ever. Sex offenders and people who commit crimes against children should be given 2 choices. Incarceration for life with no hope of parole EVER, or death. Either one would be fine with me. Once you have commited this kind of crime you have proven that you can no longer claim membership in society, Of course prison justice being what it is, most abusers of children don’t last very long anyway. Remember that sorry excuse for a priest? He lasted about a month. I bet this skel in Florida doesn’t last a week in general population. Where was Jeb Bush. Why wasn’t he personally involved in this case. Was God too busy to let Jeb in on this one? Or was there not enough political hay to be made from it.

I don’t care what God you pray to. I don’t care if you pray or if you don’t pray. I don’t care if you set yourself on fire in the name of Vishnu or run around the woods naked in praise of the “Goddess”. I don’t care. You know why I don’t care. I don’t care because it’s your religion. Not Mine. I don’t want your religion in my life thank you. I am not interested in hearing “The Good News” or “The Word of God” or why I need to accept Jesus into my life so I can go to heaven. Keep it to yourself.

There were a bunch of smart guys who wrote down some pretty clever rules about 250 years ago. They coverd all kinds of things. They were smart enough to understand that 13 different colonies were never going to agree on issues of religious ideology. It was for this reason, and this reason only that they clearly seperated church and state.

SEPERATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who are near sighted. Your religion is as unimportant as the color of your shirt. It’s your shirt. If you want to wear a shirt that say “I'm The Fonz” or “Dyno-mite!” on it, it is your right as an American. But you can’t force me to wear that shirt.

So, to recap - weather you are a Jew, Christian, Catholic, Protestant, Methodist, Puritan, Quaker, Shaker, Candlestick Maker, Rasta, Buddhist, Wiccan, Hindu, Voodoo, Lutheran, Amish, Unitarian, Jehovah Witness or Bob Jones' Cousin.

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! You’re not more right than the next guy and the louder you shout how right your are, the less right the rest of realize you are.

The squeaky wheel doesn’t always get the oil, sometimes it gets a punch in the nose.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled amusing musings and observations.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

When Did Life Get So Complicated Part II

I was reading a blog from my friend Jen http://www.jenthemom.com - “When Did Life Get So Complicated?” She brought up an excellent point about the life choices you begin to make once you decide to have children, Please check it out (and the rest of her blog also). I think the key here is when in life you choose to make the commitment to have kids.

While many of my friends were getting married and having kids right of college I went my own way. This actually led to the ending of many of those friendships. You know the whole married couple w/ kids thing vs non married single friend thing, just doesn’t work. So, while they went off to get married, get real jobs (just like grown ups) and have multiple kids, I spent the next 10+ years living. There is little that I wanted to do that I didn’t at least give a shot.
I was working in the Theatre and Film industry. Playing in a band and basically my life was my own. I usually had a steady girlfriend of some kind. But most of them couldn’t handle the world of freelance employment, I don’t know where my next pay check is coming from (even though it always came).
I worked all over the country and in England.
I have lit the stage at Carnegie Hall (and got a big hug from Goldie Hawn for it – Loved that!) as well as Lincoln Center.
I have gotten trashed with celebrities (big whoop).
I have rode my Harley up and down the Eastern Seaboard.
I played drums in one of the biggest NY Hardcore bands and hated myself for it. I was also offered the drum spot in a famous Hard Rock band but turned it down in favor of NYU Grad School. I was almost a member of one of the most famous Punk Bands of all time, but at the last minute their drummer returned to the band.
I was thrown out of Ithaca College 2x and NYU Grad School (only one time there).

I never thought about kids because I never really wanted them.
When my wife and I got married (almost 9 years ago) the one thing we both agreed upon was that neither of us wanted kids.

YEAH RIGHT.

Once my sister had her first kid my wife’s biological clock went into overdrive. It was at that point our deal changed. I don’t know exactly the moment it changed, but the deal definitely changed, She wanted to have a kid. I didn’t. She won.
The only positive thing was that it took us over a year to get pregnant so I had a lot of time to come to terms with the idea.
Of course now I wouldn’t trade her for anything.
What I have found is that now at 39, I don’t really have a “things I want to do before I die list” because I have pretty much done it. So being at home with my 2 year old Daughter and working out of the house is really all I need (along with a few reasonable hobbies which my wife tolerates and some which she participates in).

I have never given it much thought ( I guess I have take it for granted that I have pretty much always marched to my own drummer, that's probably how I ended up being a director). But the path you choose is almost a blind choice and you hope for the best. I am always impressed and amazed when people are truly happy and content (I mean really happy not just settling) with what I consider to be a very sort of basic suburban life (This describes my whole family, some happy some not.) Spouse, Kids, two week summer vacation .... I grew up with that all around me but pretty much rejected it right out of the gate. I find the fact that now I have a house, a wife and a daughter a very surreal experience. I was always terrified that I would stop being "me". But that didn't happen. I realize it's not the institution, but the which choices you make. The right spouse is the key, It’s not looks, or money or any of that crap. You have to be with someone who doesn’t want you to be anything other than who you are. That never works (this much I know.) Once you have that, everything else falls into place and happens the way it’s supposed to.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Rest Stops – Feeding Pens for Sheep.

OK, this is going to sound like a rant but it’s not. It’s just an observation.

This past weekend I made a little jaunt down to Virginia to attend a birthday party for a friend of mine. Now, while the trip from Brooklyn to Northern VA is not a terribly long one (4 hours) it is also not just a spin around the block. So unless you own the Jetsons’ air car you are going to need to stop and get gas at some point. Well luckily, the State has thoughtfully provided for you. Rest Stops are conveniently placed every 15 to 20 miles for just that reason. Ah but there’s more.

Once you have stopped and gotten your gas, it usually seems like a good idea to go inside the rest stop and have a rest stop of your own (you know just in case). However, once you cross that threshold you are entering a world far removed from reality. Logic, reason and intelligence are deposited at the door. This is evidenced by the glazed looks and dull expressions that appear on the faces of the hundreds of thousands of staggering zombies who wander from Cinnabun to Starbucks to Roy Rogers shelling out thousands of dollars for food which back outside in the real world would most likely cause prison riots.

Exhibit #1 – Roy Rogers. The 2nd to last rung on the Fast Food ladder (only slightly less nauseating than White Castle). For a small fortune you can purchase over cooked fried chicken which has been sitting under a heat lamp since Roosevelt was president (That’s Teddy). For the mere price of a small car you can sample the culinary delight that is the Roy Rogers burger selection. A 1/4 pound (or so they say) of the highest quality saw dust with 2 (count em “2”) strips of cardboard painted up to look like bacon, all resting so ever lovingly on a bun which has been trod upon by the Oakland Raiders. If this isn’t gastronomic bliss I don’t know what is. But there’s more…

Exhibit #2 – Cinnabun. Does the world really need a coffee roll that can stop your heart by just looking at it? Don’t get me wrong they are very tasty. That is not where the problem lies. If you take a moment to just watch what goes on over there it becomes painfully clear that the clientele of Cinnabun consists mostly of people who should not be eating Cinnabuns. They should be eating Cinna-Celery or Cinna-Watercress. It was like feeding time at SeaWorld. Shamoo and all his relatives were there for the free eats. Don’t get me wrong, I am no skinny minny and I am working hard to lose weight. Hence I am not eating Cinnabuns. Don’t these people have mirrors in their homes? Aha … it’s the alternative universe that is the rest stop that makes these people crazy. Oh yeah and Cinnabun coffee is vile (no joke there, just a fact). But why buy coffee there when you have Starbucks right across the food court.

Exhibit #3 – Starbucks. I will admit it. I like Starbucks. Yes $4.00 for a large cup of what is basically water and beans is a little outrageous. But it is damn fine coffee. That is not the issue. The issue is, TOO MANY CHOICES FOR BRAIN DEAD CUSTOMERS. Latte, Cafe Au Lait, Venti. The zombies are not capable of making these kind of decisions once they cross into the alternative rest stop universe. Starbucks is to far over the heads of these people. We need to simplify the process here people (notice I didn’t say “dumb it down”). COFFEE or TEA.

Now I don’t want anyone to think that I am making disparaging remarks about everyone who travels and stops at the rest areas, because I am not. Many a long journey have I gave thanks for that shining oasis that is the rest stop. It is a necessary amenity. But so is an out house. It is amazing what people will put up with and accept when they are weary from the road. Now for some people, the services available at the rest stops may be an upgrade from what they are used to. To this I can only say, “How sad”. To everyone else, I have to say “Wake up … move away from the Cinnabun stand, I can hear your arteries clogging from over here. Try some carrots … or perhaps a nice fruit cup..."

Thursday, March 17, 2005

St. Paddy's Day - Oh How the mighty have fallen

As I sit here with the latest round of flu like symptoms (contracted from my two year old daughter, AGAIN) I have had a moment to look back and reflect on 20+ years of St. Paddy’s Day’s Festivities. Having not actually been born Irish has never stopped me from participating in the holiday with the fervor of a loyal son of Erin. A little History first….
Both of my college roommates were Irish. One was actually born there and the other was not. Both were proud Irishman and between the three of us we were probably the three poorest students on that particular upstate NY college campus. However, we never let a lack of money get in the way of the one day (and I mean 24 hours) where we were all proud to be Irish. We would start planning how we would pay for this day long binge well in advance. Needless to say, we NEVER ran out of libations on St. Paddy’s Day. That just would have been bad form.

At midnight, as the 16th turned into the 17th we would tap the ceremonial Green Keg of Pabst (I didn’t say we had a lot of money). There was usually some pomp and circumstance (along with really bad Irish accents) as we toasted ourselves, our friends present and absent as well as friends of friends, cousins, TV repairmen, The Pope, Walt Disney, Columbo, Moe Larry, Curly and Shemp. Thus would begin a continuous flow of beer that would last until Midnight (actually 1 am when the bars up there closed) of the 18th. At which point the hurling/blowing chunks/puking would commence. All for the cause!

I pretty much carried this tradition with me into my after college life (minus the throwing up, as much as I could avoid it). As I got older, the starting time would get a little later and the ending time would get a little earlier. Last year, We started around 3pm and called it a night around 11:30pm. Still a hefty chunk of time, but the drinking was much slower and the conversation much more adult.

So here I sit now, having not consumed a single beer, in fact I didn’t even leave the house today due to my infectious state. There is part of me that misses the olds days, It’s not the drinking though. It’s the camaraderie that we shared. Point of fact, those days ended a long time ago. But, to all my friends, comrades, buddies and pals….
Erin Go Bragh…. SLAINTE!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

B&B Production Journal Installment #1

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Ok. I am know killing any chance of this film being made. I know that I should wait until we actually have a green light, but so much has happened already, that if I don’t start writing some of it down now, it will be lost for ever. That being said, if it all falls apart, some of you just might be entertained by this little glimpse into the sinister world of Independent Film.

So this is the first installment of my production journal for my next feature film "Beds & Breakfast". You can check out the production details at http://imdb.com/title/tt0403870/. They won't all be this long.

Welcome to my own personal Hell.....

The Players:
Me – Writer / Director
“P” – Writer /Producer (My Biz Partner, Best Friend, Godfather to my daughter, the guy who keeps me out of jail …)
“TC” – Executive Producer in New Orleans
“L” – Executive Producer in NYC

I am told that on April 14th we are going to have a $1,000,000.00 (yes that’s one million for those of you who get blinded by zeros) assurity bond in place that will guarantee a loan, that will finance 75% of our film. The other 25% will come from a secondary source which is called gap financing. If the stars align and this actually happens, we could be looking at a June shoot in Asheville NC.

Now, this point has been a long time coming and it hasn’t happened over night, I will do my best to make the backstory brief.

Our original Executive Producer down in North Carolina tried very hard to get this film financed but just did not have the juice to get it done. This is not unusual. Funding a film at any budget level is no easy task. She tried but failed. Around the time it was looking like we had run clear out of funding possibilities down in North Carolina, I got a call out of the blue from a guy who I had not heard from in years (Literally 5 years).

“TC” is a mover and a shaker in and out of the movie business and he is based out of New Orleans. He was flying into NYC the next day and was wondering what I had been up to. He still had two of my old scripts with him and was trying to get a slate of movies financed. As if sent by the hand of God to assist us and lift us out of the muck that is Independent Film Finance Implosion, he jumped right on the Beds project (as we had everything in place and could pull the trigger immediately).

So, the next evening, after a few poolside drinks downtown on a trendy West Village rooftop and a superb Steak Dinner at Smith and Wolensky (all on “TC” I might add, which is a good thing because I had about 12 bucks in my pocket if I remember correctly) we had a new Executive Producer who basically threatened to get this movie made one way or another. Some things did change though.

In the time between the drinks and dinner (roughly 45 minutes) the budget had jumped from $500,000 to 1.3 million and all of a sudden it looked like “P” and I might be able to pay some of our bills and maybe even make a buck or two. I went home after dinner and implemented the changes into the budget that “TC” had recommended. “TC”, I believe went downtown to meet a major blonde with huge …. Well you know….

Fast forward to October. “TC” has brought “L” on board also as an Executive Producer and together they are going to take Beds (as well as Atlantic City Serenade) to AFM. So, we rush around getting materials ready for the market and “TC” and “L” head off to LA. Lots of talk lots of interest, then begins the waiting game. Who wants to be the first to jump into this pool. We have interest from the HERE Network. They are the new Gay Network on the block and as we have a gay couple prominently featured in our story, they are very interested. Which is quite a change as we lost money last year because of our gay couple in the story. “TC” and “L” meet with other potential investor types and basically get the project out there.

As it turns out, the HERE Network passes on funding the project because there isn’t enough “Gayness” for them. Go figure… But, they are interested in possibly acquiring the film after it is made for broadcast on their network. Ok, it’s not what we wanted but it’s something.

This brings us up to where we reside right now. We had been waiting since mid December for “TC” and “L” to speak with the Mysterious “B” (not so mysterious, as I understand he is a friend of “L”’s I was told by “TC” that “B” is very interested in financing not just Beds but a number of our projects. So, we have been waiting patiently for them to get together. Well … Last week they did. “B” has said that he will have the bond for us on April 14th. We shall see.

If I have learned anything in this business, it's that nothing is certain until the money is in your bank account. And it ain’t …Not yet anyway …

Monday, March 14, 2005

Network TV? Anyone? Anyone?

Does anyone actually watch network TV? Tonight I practiced what is commonly known as an exercise in futility. For an hour (roughly 8pm – 9pm) I channeled surfed from 2 – 221 and there was fuck all worth watching. I mean nothing. Between the reality TV on half the network stations and the bad (and terribly un-funny) sitcoms that rehash the same jokes that weren’t funny when Polly Holiday said them on “Alice” or John Amos on “Good Times”. There hasn’t been a well written sitcom on TV since the second to last season of Seinfeld. What happened to Gary Marshall, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, Larry Gelbart and Norman Lear? These guys knew what was funny. There isn’t a producer on network TV today who has a clue what is really funny.

As far as dramas, most of it isn’t worth the what they paid the IATSE guys to stand around to watch it being made. The lone bright spot sitting solitarily atop the gigantic steaming heap of dramatic network garbage is “The West Wing “. It is probably the single most intelligently written show on network television. Quite frankly even it has had some moments where I wanted to hurl my recently devoured evening meal. While the writing is still quite good, it definitely dropped a notch or two when Aaron Sorkin left the show. However he did leave it in good hands and it remains one of the few watch-able shows on network. The rest of it is geared to halfwits and morons. The level of story is so one dimensional that you can read a book, play chess and write a thesis while keeping up with the integral “plot points”.

Answer me this. How many versions of Law & Order and CSI do we really need? The original versions of both series I have always found inspiring (though let’s face it, Law & Order has to be coming to the end). I tried to watch L&A Special Victims and the other one with Donofrio (who I do like as an actor) but the shows were un-watch able. As for CSI … CSI Miami doesn’t know what it wants to be. They have pretty much jettisoned the whole Crime Scene investigation thing and David Carruso is pretty much a Homicide, Narcotics, Missing Persons investigator who heads up a crime lab team … yes very realistic. I had high hopes for CSI NY (as a NYCer and Ex-EMT) not to mention a huge fan of Gary Sinise, who I believe to be one of the finest actors of this generation. I watched the pilot for 15 minutes and had to turn it off in favor of Dennis Farina’s entrance on Law & Order (the original). What a tremendous disappointment (Not Dennis, he rocks as always,) but CSI NY. What a pile of shite.

I could probably write an entire blog about how Reality TV is the herald of the end of civilization as we know it. You know, Bread and Circuses, Roman Coliseum, Most Dangerous Game but that’s been done to death. Just know this. If you want to gauge the state of network TV, just count the number of Reality shows in primetime. For every reality show that runs on one of the big 3 between 8pm & 10pm , Monday through Friday, that is one slot they couldn’t fill with quality dramatic or comedic programming,

Think about it next time you curl up with a pound of Orville Redenbacher’s extra buttered microwavable, non incendiary, slightly combustible, authentic, imitation popping corn and turn on “American Idol” or “Survivor - Newark”. You could be watching something good … but your not.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

15 For Life

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day (the one who moved to Florida). He was complaining about his job (and really hating Florida if you must know the truth). Right now his biggest complaint is that he has to report for school (he’s a teacher) August 4th. That means that he cannot attend a major event in the hobby that we both participate in. This will be the second year in a row. Last year was the same story but a week later. So he assumed this year he would be able to swing it. Then they just sprung this new earlier schedule on him. Well, me being the good friend I am, I said, what if you just tell them you ain’t gonna be there until the 12th. Of course he thought that was very amusing. I said, “Hey that’s what I would do.” He said “ I know, that’s why you’ve never had a real job for more than a couple of months.”

I started to think about that. He was right. The longest “real job” I ever had (defining “real job” as one with regular hours which you are required to show up at every week) was about 6 months. It’s true. Most of my adult life since college, (which was a disaster in itself, we’ll save that for another blog), I have been working freelance jobs in theatre and film. Now granted, there is a whole slew of pressures that come along with that kind of life , not the least of which is where your next pay check is coming from. But you learn to deal with it.

So now, 6 months from turning 40, I realize that my job (if you can call being a filmmaker a job, I have always thought a job was something you had to go to, not wanted to) requires me to be 15. Now granted, I worked thousands of hours to get where I am for free and very low wages (the whole dues thing) and that was very grown up. But being a director requires being able to put all of that aside and be 15 again, At the end of the day, the project (what ever that happens to be) is my vision. Of course there is a tremendous amount of responsibility that comes along with that. Particularly when you are playing with other peoples money. I am as serious as a heart attack when we are on set. But for that brief time that we are creating, I get to be 15 years old and it’s all about me getting what I want.

Then my partner (the producer) tells me,
“Sorry, you can’t have it, it’s not in the budget” …..

Then I really feel like I am 15. I remember there was this BB gun I wanted ….

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Much Ado About Keanu

Ok, this has bothered me for a long time and now I have a place to really bitch about it. Kenneth Brannagh's "Much Ado About Nothing" could possibly be one of the best filmed versions of Shakespeare ever. I truly believe that few directors really understand The Bard better than Brannagh and he has a knack of translating that understanding to the screen on a regular basis. His casting is always inspiring (Jack Lemon and Billy Crystal in Hamlet for example).

"Much Ado" has an equally brilliant cast, many of whom are Brannagh regulars like Brian Blessed, Richard Briers and Imelda Staunton. I thought casting Denzel as the Prince was an odd but intersting and succesful choice, and as always Rober Sean Leonard shines as Count Claudio, almost type casting. Not to mention an actress who I have loved (and would give my right testicle to work with) since the first time I saw her in "The Tall Guy", Emma Thompson. She might very well be one of the top 3 or 4 four actresses of our time. The rest of the cast is filled out with fantastic British character actors, and lovely cameos by Michael Keaton as Constable Dogberry and Ben Elton as Headborough Verges. They were absolutely brilliant. SO....

WHAT THE FUCK IS KEANU REEVES DOING IN THIS MOVIE.

Now, having been in the film business for quite some time, a number of possibilities have occurred to me. Lets explore them shall we?

Possibility #1-
The studio (the guys who pay for everything) said to Our friend Kenneth,
"You may have the money to make your film but you must put Keanu Reeves in it."
"But why?" Kenneth asks confused.
"Because" the Studio president says with a look of disgust "No one wants to see this Shakespeare guy, and at least if we put Keanu in it, all the little girls will come out to see it and we might make a buck".

Possibility #2 -
Keanu heard about the project and quicky ran home and had his maid read the play to him. In his rather dull mind he saw himself as "John the Bastard" and this film would change his image and people might start confusing him with Olivier, or perhaps Oliver Platt....

Possibility #3 -
Kenneth Brannagh received a rather large concussion from and anvil falling on his head and thought it was a good idea...

It is probably safe to say that #3 is right out.

While #2 has reall possibilities, I don't thin Keanu could have even understood the play on his own.

That leaves us with #1. Once again and artist, filmmaker, director must compromise his vision to appease some block head in a suit who wouldn't know a good script or a quality project if it crawled up his ass, out his mouth and winked at him.

The only good thing to come out of it is that apparently most of Keanus scenes were left on the cutting room floor. So he is in the film for less than 5 minutes in total.

So, we are left with an A+ film, with 5 minutes of unwatchable footage, and a Shakesperean legacy, from a man who truly knows what Shakespeare is and isn't; that even Hollywood couldn't completely corrupt.

There, I've said it!!!!!!!

Things I have done - (this is the trend it seems)

I am not going to say that these are things that I have done and you haven't. That is pretty arrogant and I have seen it on a number of Blogs. Though I would venture a guess that there are a few things on this list that many of you probaby haven't done. So Here Goes:
1. I Was a Guardian Angel in NYC
2. I Was a hard core biker
3. I Played CBGBs for the first time when I was 14(1979).
4. I Dropped Acid in Yosemite.
4a. And on the plane home (and consequently was tripping at my grandmother's funeral that next day)
5. I Was at Ground Zero on 9-11 (in the capacity of EMT)
5a. and a number of days after that.
6. Lighting Designed shows at Carnegie Hall and Lincoln Center
7. I Survived in NYC for a year on Meat Packing District scraps and free sample nights at Balduccis.
8. I was thrown out of Ithaca College as well as NYU Grad Design.
9. I watched the sun come up over the Mersey with a famous British Soap star (after a long night of drinking)
10. Shagged self same soap star in her flat.
11. I crashed the Sundance Film Festival - and started my own festival that same week - The NYCDANCE Fest. was a huge
success.
11a. I Dragged Lloyd Kaufman (of Troma Fame) into the screening of my film on mainstreet in Park City, Utah.
12. Got shit faced with Gregory Hines (He was truly an A1 human being).
13. I stood outside the Dakota on Dec. 9 1980 (it was a Tuesday and it rained)
14. I stalked Debbie Harry for a month in order to get her my script. She read it and loved it.
15. I have never stepped foot in Yankee Stadium (I am sure I will burst into flames if I ever do)
16. I went to my first Mets game when I was 3 years old.
17. The night the Rangers won the Stanley Cup, I was in a van with 5 other guys coming home from a job and I stopped the
van in the middle of the intersection of 42nd St. and Lex so I could get out and call my dad on a Pay phone.
18. I have driven from NYC to Montreal and back in one day just to get a case of good beer.
19. I had brunch at the Ritz-Carlton in New Orleans with a well known Hollywood Actress while having the worst hangover of
my life (and that's saying something)
20. I married the greatest woman on the planet (which by itself is an accomplishment) and together we produced an
amazing daughter.

So, that's it for now. I may ammend the list if I think of (or can remember) anymore good stuff.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Friends

One of the many movie lines that has stayed with me for a long time comes from the film "Stand By Me'. It's the last line of the film. Richard Dreyfuss is finishing up his book and he speaks as he types " I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?" I have been thinking about this recently.

Within the last year two of my close friends moved out of state for various reasons. One to Florida and one to Arizona. The one who moved to Florida (we'll call him Ghengis) I have known since I was 18 (that's 21 years to you and me) and the one who moved to AZ, we'll call him "P", I have only known a short time (about 5 years) but we became fast and close friends. When you are younger (high school, college, early twenties) you have lots of friends and people come in and out of your life, the impact isn't that big. As you get older, you have fewer and fewer true friends. Peopls move away and you don't get really close to many people. You have your own family and your own personal "Stuff" so who has time for real "freindships". So when they do happen, you kind of take it for granted that these people are in your life and will always be.

My buddy Ghengis and I have a lot of history. 21 years of madness and mayhem. We lived 42 years in those 21 and he was my best friend for many years. Even if we didn't speak for weeks or months it didn't matter. When we got together for a beer it was buisness as usual.

"P" is a different story. We became friends through as mutual hobby and were very tight. He is the kind of guy who will go out of his way for anyone and someone who you can rely upon to be there for you in times of crisis. He was with me when my wife went into labor. He made sure that everyone who needed to be at the hospital got there (in Brooklyn, many folks don't have cars, "P" has a big car) and was with my folks in the waiting room. He has baby-sat for my daughter and bailed me out of trouble a number of times.

The crazy thing is that both are just a phone call away. But it's not the same thing. It screws up your equilibrium. There is no, "let's go get a beer" or come on over and we can shoot the shit. Those are the things you miss.

When we were kids, we thought we would have the same friends for ever. The bubble was burst right after graduation. I found out that none of my high school friend were destined to remain in my life. In fact, my best friend from high school, went away to school (we all did) and wrote us all off. We never saw him again.

There's no real point being made here, just an observation. Friends come and go, so enjoy them while they are here. When they're not, use the phone. It's not the next best thing. It's just the only thing.

Widgets in the news

I am a history buff. I can't help it. I am more interested in things that happened over a hundred years ago than what happened yesterday or what is going to happen tomorrow. So here is a history related story that on the surface, has some important historical information ... and then the worm turns....

No Sign Tutankhamun Murdered, But Mystery Unsolved
By Amena Bakr

CAIRO (Reuters) - A three-dimensional X-ray scan of Tutankhamun's mummy found no evidence to support theories he was murdered but failed to solve the 3,000-year-old mystery of how the young Egyptian pharaoh died.

The team thinks it has found Tutankhamun's penis, which was present in the 1920s but had gone missing by the time of an examination in 1968. "Although they cannot be certain, the team believes that they have located (it) ... loose in the sand around the king's body," the report said.

My question, how did he lose it? Was it cut off by his estranged wife while asleep. then she tossed into the pyramiad while driving by in a chariot? It's kind of sad that Old Tut has spent these all these years "un-manned" as it were. Not to mention the after life. Having to sing with castrate in choir invisible. All the really angels no he isn't packing anything so he never gets to go home with the really hot seraphim. The man was the ruler of the most powerful nation of his time. Now reduced to a dickless, high voiced retainer .... Oh the humanity....

And then there is this little gem.....

Another man cuts off penis, eats it!

From staff writers
March 08, 2005

From: NEWS.com.au

A 40-year-old man is recovering in hospital in The Philippines after cutting off his penis and eating it.
Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

The incident is not the first time a man has severed his own penis and devoured it.

In 2003 a Malaysian man cut off his penis and fried it up before making a meal of it.

The man heard 'voices', probably caused by taking hallucinatory drugs, which urged him to mutilate himself.
Advertisement:

Additional reporting by The Australian

I love the Headline "Another man cuts off penis, eats it". This is not the kind of thing you would consider a unique event. Well, I guess not. Did he sit there and fry it whil bleeding profusely from the crotch? You would think that the excrutiating pain of having your johnson cut off would detract from the whole dining experience. I know the last time I had a paper cut and ate some Buffalo Wings, that was some serious pain. But this ... I don't even want to contimplate it ....

Safety tip of the day: KEEP YOUR WIDGETS SAFE AND OT OF HARM'S WAY - IT COULD BE STOLEN OR EATEN...

These are the things you need to know in our modern age ....

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Why New York is not in the midwest (or anywhere else)

5 reasons why I try not to leave New York that often....

1.  BEIJING, March. 7 -- Some U.S. lawmakers want to make sure the twinkle in your eye doesn't come from jewelry.
Repulsed by a body modification offered at a Dutch institute — where tiny metal hearts and half-moons are surgically embedded in the whites of the eye — one lawmaker has proposed banning the practice in Illinois.

-Come on. Are you telling me they have nothing better to do in the Illinois Senate than to control what you put in you own eye? Your tax dollars hard at work there folks....

2.Smelly Readers Banned From Calif. Library
SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. - A new county law aims to keep readers from reeking. Libraries in San Luis Obispo County have had their own rules banning offensive body odor since 1994, but the policy became law after the Board of Supervisors last month adopted an ordinance that lets authorities kick out malodorous guests.

- Though it's not in the constitution, I do believe that we the people have a right to reak, stink. emit noxious and otherwise repulsive odors without having our reading priveledges taken away. Granted, a truly foul smelling reader could put you off your double half caf soy latte....

3. DE PERE, Wis. (AP) - For most people, PEZ is just a candy. But Barry Umbs calls his addiction to collecting PEZ dispensers "a bit of an illness." Umbs, an engineering manager for Rockwell Automation in Milwaukee, joined some 60 other self-described "PEZheads" at a convention in De Pere on Saturday.

- What more can I say about this one ....

4. Man Threatens To Blow Up Store Over a Pen
Bonner Springs, KS -- Explosive threats lead to a man hunt in Bonner Springs. Police there say they are searching for the person that walked into a Thriftway Store located in the 100 block of Oak Sunday morning just after 8 a.m. Police say the suspect tried to get a pen for free. When he didn't succeed, he reportedly threatened to come back with dynamite and blow the store up. Police say the suspect then tried to run over the store manager in the parking lot. Nobody was hurt.

- Bonner Springs, KS - Population 6,768. How much of a man hunt could it be. He is probably at the local Staples fondling the Pilot Felt tips. Of course the local Staples is 6000 miles away ....

5. SCHAUMBURG, Ill. A six-year-old boy has been suspended from a Christian school in Illinois after his mother refused to spank him. That's according to the mother. Michelle Fallaw-Gabrielson says her son had been piling up disciplinary notes for such offenses as talking out of turn, chewing gum, and bringing toys to school.

- I saw this one on the news. I felt really bad for the kid because all he wanted was to go back to his school and be with his friends. His mother on the other hand was very pleased at the prospect of being on TV. She was sucking up every nano second of her 15 minutes of fame. Oh those crazy Christians ... I think she is about to send him to a Rastafarian school. Mostly because of the hair....

In New York we have our share of whackadoos, hoodlums, praranoid schizoprhenics and mallodorous malingerers. The difference between New York and everywhere else is that we don't make believe we like each other. We are annoyed by the annoying habits of everyone around us and they are equally annoyed by us. It is an equilibrum, a balance an "ego"system if you will, that has made New York the "city that never sleeps .... and is often cranky due to this lack of sleep" So come to NYC. We hate you but we'll take your money ... Oh yeah Kiss my .... oops!

Monday, March 07, 2005

Martha Stewart is getting out ... Whoopeeeeee

Three Steps To Being Succesful:
1. Use inside trading advice to dump stock that is about to tank.
2. Lie to a grand Jury about.
3. Spend 5 months in a "cupcake" prison
4. Never wear white after Labor Day.

I am amazed. Truly amazed. How is it that this woman broke the law, then lied about it, got caught and is going back to her perfect life no worse the wear. Talk about a broken system. There are guys doing 5 to 10 years, (that's years people) for minimal marijuana busts because of the Rockafeller laws here in NYC, but Martha is getting away with a little slap on the behind. If you thought she was smug before just watch. She will soon be marketing a new line of prison cover-alls (in the pe-requisite fluorescent orange) to go along with her towel collection at K-Mart. She will be giving hints on what to get that special cell mate for your anniversary and how to keep your "prison bitch" happy.

I am disgusted by the whole thing. Martha is getting out, Wacko-Jacko is going in and Kobe paid off his "alleged accuser". I thought we shook off the yoke of King George 300 years ago and did away with the class system at the same time ... NOT SO MUCH! We have an upper class and they rarely have to pay the price for their actions. Wynona Ryder shoplifts and walks, Countless celebraties wrap their respective vehicles around trees, telephone poles and the occasional living room and nothing happens even though they are so drunk they don't even know their own names. If anyone one of us did anything even remotely resembling these things, we would be doing serious time.

But this is America. Land of the free, home of the hypocrites.

Good Luck Martha, i know you don't need it. You have something better. And that's a good thing...

Friday, March 04, 2005

Wind Chill Wind ChillWind Chill

I realize this Blog may be taking on a slight weatheristic feel but that can't be helped. Let me explain....

I walked outside this morning to repair the rear view mirror that fell off my windshield last night on the way to band practice. Why did the mirror fall off the windshield? I have no idea. It's never happened to me before. Has it happened to you? Probably not. It's not really the kind of normal wear and tear that occurs on your average mini van. There I am, driving down 4th Ave and I go to look in the rear view mirror (as I am wont to do when changing lanes) and low and behold, it ain't there. It's on the floor. How the hell did it get there? Was it so cold during the Monday night blizzard that the mirror just said "Screw this, I'm out of here?" I don't know, but there it was laying on the floor and I nearly got clipped by some idiot in a yellow Hummer (how I feel about idioits in Hummers is a whole other blog topic).
Anyway.... I digress.

So I go outside this mornig to put the mirror back on my windshield only to find that the weatherman has done it again. I specifically checked the weather before going outside to ensure that I was dressed appropriately. The weatherman was very clear, thirty six degrees, no mention of wind chill. Great! I think to myself, I'll just put on my sweat shirt and go out and take care of business. WRONG!!!!!!!!! It was freakin' freezing out. Why was this? It was freezing because there was an 800mph wind chill. No mention of the wind chill by the genius on the radio. I could have killed him. A friend of mine once suggested that each time a weatherman gets it wrong, they should have a finger cut off. There should be a tiny little Guillotine on the desk. Maybe this would make them think about being a little more accurate when reporting the local weather. (I can dream ....)

Ultimately, it was too cold for my sweatshirt and it was his fault. I think he owes me some sort of an appology. Perhaps a nice fruit basket.
This is New York City .... Like that would ever happen.